Stop hiding, start living

As women, we spend our lives living up to the expectations of the people around us. Like it or not, we are brought up to believe that addressing the needs of others around us is more important than living our own lives and we tend to succumb to this belief and adopt it as our own as fighting it and wanting to live our own life takes far too much effort.

If you find yourself in this category, know that you are possibly trapped in a hideout, which is a reason (read excuse) to stop ourselves from doing the things we truly want to do. I cannot do this because my husband…or because my child…or because my in-laws…or my boss… the list goes on. Interestingly, there are abstract hideouts too, like our income or our looks or, and this will sound a bit ridiculous but it is true for some, even our colour. I cannot do this because…I cannot wear this because…I cannot go here because…For men, of course, hideouts take a different spin. It is the newspaper or the cricket match or the occasion that calls for drinks or perhaps the next big car.

The point is that we all tend to live in these hideouts endlessly unless we are required to pull ourselves out of the inertia for reasons that we believe we have no control over, though for which, we may be secretly thankful at a later point. The sad part is that in some cases the reason to break free never presents itself, and if it does, it arrives too late when most of our desire to live has ended. I would argue that each of us has one or many hideouts, but the truth is that each of us is capable of recognising our hideouts and abandoning them for good. It requires courage and means facing the real world with all its opportunities and challenges. It means saying no to things which no longer work or make us happy and going out of our way to do that one thing that we have always wanted to do.

Happiness is like a flame that needs a constant supply of oxygen and oxygen is scarce in hideouts. Sometimes, resorting to hideouts might be good, but only for a limited period of time. As long as we are conscious about our choices and have a plan for getting out when we want, it works. So, what’s your hideout?

This post is a reproduction of my weekly column  written for The Goan (http://thegoan.net).

Get ready ladies. It’s showtime !

What does it take to be a resounding success at an event? Whether it’s a presentation at work or an important social event that you have to host/be a part of, there are several things that get us worried. More often than not, we get through them smoothly. There are, however, a few things we can do to ease the pressure.

Before the show, gather information about the people expected to be there. What do we know about them, what could they be thinking or feeling or expecting? What do we know about their likes, etc. Think about how you would like to present yourself. This is not just about what you would wear or how you would look, but more about how you would want to be perceived. Would you want to be confident and happy or tense and uptight? What can you do to prepare so that you present yourself in the manner you have chosen? Plan for what you have to say or do. Run through the event over and over in your mind and think about what you would want to leave the people with. A message or a feeling or a thought, perhaps?

Wear a black hat. Think about everything that could go wrong and how you would respond to such situations. If you are unable to find answers yourself, talk to others who might be able to offer you their perspective. After you have prepared for everything that could go wrong, it is time to get positive. Talk to people who believe in you, who would be good for your confidence, watch an inspiring movie clip. Basically, do something that makes you feel good.

Visualise success. This is one of the most powerful techniques used by players and performers around the world. While you have a plan for everything that you think can go wrong, imagine that at the end of the event, you get a resounding applause. And you will. On the day of the show, arrive at the venue/office early because being early gives you an edge. You can get familiar with the environment, get some feelers about the people and what they are thinking.

And finally, be ready to change. No matter how well you might have thought through the situation, you cannot predict the future. Be prepared to follow cues and change your plan. If you need time to figure out what to do, excuse yourself for a break and get back in with a plan. Good luck!

This post is a reproduction of my weekly column  written for The Goan (http://thegoan.net).

Taking the clique to the top

Around the world, there are talks about women empowerment and how women are taking over critical roles, making a visible difference at their workplace. It does not take a rocket scientist to know that women have many battles to fight to get to the place they finally reach.

Notwithstanding the field of work, one of the most critical challenges women face today is that of ‘belonging’ to the ‘right’ groups. How much time one spends during non-work hours and with whom, might be about as critical as to how much time one spends at work. So, how does one decide how to network with the right people and eventually, how to choose a clique? Some try and fit into the ‘guys’ cliques’ – some may take to smoking to join the guys and catch up on the gossip during the smoke breaks, while some take to drinking to get into the circles that hang out in the evenings post work and find a way of getting through to the influencers. It is a known fact that smoking and drinking are both detrimental to health and adversely impact a woman’s child-bearing capacity. Irrespective, some of us choose this path.

Then there are some who join the ‘women’s’ cliques’. They fall into the circle of women who hang around with the women even during office gatherings, insist in engaging in girly talk even when there are men around. No judging either of these categories but none of these are really geared towards reaching the top.

There is also another category, though. It is that of the ‘non cliques’. Almost as if by resolution, some of us cite our personal circumstances as reasons (and there might be some really genuine cases too), to avoid belonging to any cliques. We would conveniently avoid any gatherings and find creative ways to say ‘No, I can’t make it’. Needless to say, getting to the top is a distant possibility for those of us who belong to this group.

There is hope. There is a fourth type. Women in this category do not feel the need to belong to an existing clique. They create a need around them for a group of people to want to belong to them and for what they stand for. Usually, they attract a group that is cross-gender and diverse. They stand up for a vision, for their values and their beliefs. They garner support towards their vision and draw like-minded people who are looking to belong to some clique. It takes a strong woman to stand apart from the cliques, to choose to not fall into the trap of ‘choose from what you see’ and to create her own clique. It takes someone with a solid self-belief to be invited as a ‘guest’ to existing groups and yet not feel compelled to follow existing clique norms and practices. It requires thoughtfulness and diplomacy to deal with temptations. Is your clique taking you to the top, yet?

This post is a reproduction of my weekly column  written for The Goan (http://thegoan.net).